Putting Your Own Life Vest on First: Relearning Self-Care After Trauma
Summary: Self-care can feel unnatural or even unsafe for those who have experienced trauma. When survival becomes the priority, prioritizing your own well-being may seem selfish—even though it’s essential for healing. How does trauma rewire the brain’s response to self-care? And why is discomfort a necessary part of growth?
The concept of putting your own life vest on first—prioritizing yourself to sustain your ability to care for others—can feel unnatural for many people. Humans who have experienced attachment trauma, ongoing adult trauma, or increased sympathetic nervous system activation often struggle with self-care, finding it uncomfortable or even impossible. This difficulty is not a failure but a survival adaptation: trauma rewires the brain to prioritize survival over connection and self-prioritization.
Recognizing this is the first step toward understanding why self-care may feel unnatural. If self-care feels selfish, it’s because your brain has learned to associate safety with putting others first. However, reclaiming your ability to prioritize yourself is essential to both healing and helping others effectively.
The Impact of Trauma on the Brain
Trauma changes how the brain functions, often resulting in:
- An overactive amygdala, the brain’s fear center, making self-care feel unsafe.
- Increased sympathetic nervous system activation, keeping the body in a constant state of fight-or-flight.
- Emotional dysregulation, where survival becomes the primary focus rather than self-nurturing.
Trauma can create a sense that self-care is unimportant. Cumulative trauma wires this belief so deeply that not rescuing yourself can feel reasonable and even required.
Recognizing Where You Are: The Self-Assessment
Understanding your ability to self-advocate starts with self-reflection. Ask yourself targeted questions and then engage with the discomfort the questions may bring. Writing down your answers is essential—the act of writing helps the brain slow down, recognize patterns, and address wiring issues. When you work things out solely in your head, it’s easy to overlook deeper connections or sidestep feelings and just stay in thinking. Putting pen to paper allows you to actively engage with your thoughts and emotions.
Self-Assessment Questions:
- When was the last time you said “no” to prioritize your own wants and feelings? This could be saying no to a request, demand, or expectation. The “no” must have been just for you, with the only benefit being your own well-being.
- When was the last time you said “yes” to rest without guilt or justification? This act of rest should not have been tied to an external reason, like being sick or overwhelmed. It must have been purely for your own benefit.
- When you have to make a choice between what’s good for the other person and what’s good for you, which choice feels the most comfortable?
The Role of Discomfort in Growth
Prioritizing yourself can feel deeply uncomfortable, especially when trauma has rewired your brain to see self-care as selfish. This discomfort is a natural part of growth and an indicator of areas needing healing.
Acknowledging the Discomfort: Self-care feels difficult because it challenges deeply ingrained survival mechanisms designed to protect you. For example, saying no to a request from a loved one might trigger guilt or fear, even when prioritizing yourself is the healthier choice.
Recognizing this discomfort as part of the healing process is the first step to moving forward.
Reframing Self-Care as Essential: The airplane safety analogy emphasizes that self-care isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. Flight attendants ask you to take care of your own safety before helping others. Why? Because you must prioritize yourself to be effective in your relationships and responsibilities.
Self-care is a core component of self-parenting, where you provide yourself the love, stability, and care you may have missed earlier in life.
Moving Toward Healing: Taking Action
Healing starts with small, actionable steps that help you rewire unhealthy patterns and build internal safety.
Daily Practices to Rewire Patterns:
- Use questions 1 and 2 as daily reflection tools to assess how often you prioritize yourself.
- Journal your thoughts and feelings about these reflections to engage with and process your emotions.
Seeking Support:
- Accelerate the unwiring process by seeking professional help. Therapies like ketamine treatment can help address nervous system dysregulation, creating space for emotional healing and fostering neuroplasticity. This combination of biological and psychological support enables lasting transformation.
- Share your journey with trusted friends, family, or a therapist to reinforce new patterns and gain additional perspectives.
Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Well-Being
Healing begins when you learn to put your own life vest on first. Prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish—it’s the foundation of a balanced, fulfilling life. With time and practice, self-care can become second nature, allowing you to show up for yourself and others in a way that feels sustainable and whole.
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Healing isn’t linear. It’s messy, uncomfortable, and deeply personal. We explore neuroscience, psychology, and psychedelic medicine—not for quick fixes, but as an ongoing conversation about transformation. This blog bridges science, lived experience, and clinical insight—challenging outdated narratives and exploring lasting change.
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